Mark A. Carter

COLBERT DIRT: the Earth's rectum,
and Windsor, Ontario

World famous Canadian Science Fiction writer Mark A. Carter defends his adopted home town in a rant refuting the vile accusation of Stephen Colbert that Windsor, Ontario, CANADA is the 'Earth's rectum' in a letter sent to Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report.

An excerpt of this letter was published in The Windsor Star on-line Edition entitled: "Guest opinion: Dear Stephen Colbert - listen up" on November 22, 2012 with the help of John Coleman, Editorial Page Editor. Thanks John.

Television host and so-called comedian Stephen Colbert: "Could the earth's rectum be Windsor? I don't know. It could just as easily be Winnipeg."

Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report
Re: feedback about Windsor, ON CANADA

Dear Mr. Colbert:

I am offended by puerile humor when it comes at the expense of others. So, when you stated recently in The Colbert Report that Windsor, Ontario Canada is the "earth's rectum," I felt compelled to respond. Windsor is Canada's busiest port. And I can see how you might confuse port, portal, and rectum. After all, it takes one to know one. But asserting that Windsor is the de facto "rectum of the world," is going a bit far. By doing so, you are also suggesting that everyone in this city is a rectum. And I guess you're calling me a rectum as well. So, here is some feedback:

I would be the first to admit that, seen from satellite perspective, the Detroit River that passes from Lake St. Clair to Lake Erie does indeed look like a rectum which, I suppose, would make the lake freighters that propel downstream with loads of iron ore from Duluth the feculence. But how do you explain the ships going upstream with loads of Cleveland Coal and Windsor Salt headed for Chicago? I'm sure that Canada Steamship Lines, the Seafarers Union, the Canadian Mine Workers Union, the United Mine Workers of America, and the cities of Chicago, Cleveland, and Duluth would all like to take you out back and make a philosophical point or two.

I am similarly confused about your paradigm concerning the traffic that flows back and forth across the Ambassador Bridge between Canada to the south and the USA to the north. Yes, Tyrone, we are actually your southern neighbor. By insulting Windsor you are actually also insulting the city of Detroit, Michigan, the people, and the workers there who make it Motor City. I want you to ponder the implications of offending Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors, all who have a presence in both cities. By calling Windsor the "earth's rectum," you have suggested that these manufacturers are rectums, and that the fine products they produce are feculence. And it only follows that you suggest that the UAW and its vast membership are rectums. Moreover, you suggest that every hard working citizen of Windsor and of Detroit is a rectum as well. Oops. I think there are a lot of people standing in line to take you out back to make a philosophical point or two now. Your mamma ...

And don't get me going about the rail traffic passing beneath the Detroit River courtesy of the Michigan Central Railway tunnel currently in use by CP Rail. By the way, we are building another rail tunnel soon. And we are building a second bridge across the Detroit River to increase our truck transport. And I'm not even going to mention the Detroit-Windsor tunnel that handles local transportation between our downtowns. So, I guess we're becoming bigger rectums in your paradigm. But by insulting Windsor, you have also insulted the hard working members of the AFL-CIO that run our trains. They would also like to take you out back but they're going to have to take a number. And I'm sure that the teamsters too would like a word or perhaps, for historical purposes only, to show you where Jimmy Hoffa resides.

But the businessmen who run Caesars Windsor Casino, the Greektown Casino, and the MGM Grand Detroit Casino are going to have the biggest bone to pick with your suggestion that Windsor is the "earth's rectum" because these wise guys have little sense of humor. When you make Windsor look bad, you make these guys look bad. And they don't like to look bad. Who does? Since winter is on our doorstep, I'm sure they would be all too willing to equip you with a pair of concrete galoshes to protect your feet from our frigid Canadian air.

Inadvertently, by being a smart aleck instead of being smart, by giving national publicity to Windsor, you have elevated this "working town." In fact, you have elevated the entire area surrounding Windsor, according to "Central Place Theory," stretching from Cleveland to Chicago, and made it the "Axis mundi." For a buck-toothed, banjo-plucking, slack-jawed, slope-headed, and deep-fried turkey eatin' yokel like you, that means the "Earth's navel." So, I thank you. Being the "Axis mundi" is prestigious, to say the least.

The next time you pick lint out of your navel I am sure you will think about me, this letter, the residents and workers of Windsor and Detroit, the companies, the unions, the residents of the Great Lakes Basin, the country of Canada, and probably the entire world, who you have offended. I think, off-hand, that you have also insulted the "black hole" of Calcutta who wants its title restored. But rest assured, this insult will not be forgotten. We here in the mid-west have long memories. And every time we take a dump we will be thinking about you. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the colloquial reference to feculence in this vicinity becomes "Colbert," as in "I have to take a Colbert." And the fragrance blowing toward you, with apologies to the Monty Pythons, is every person in this region farting in your general direction. Was that too French of me?

Of course, I'm just a dumb Canuck, as you so rudely stated we all are up here, having fun as feedback for the little bit of fun you had at our expense on The Colbert Report. But Heaven forbid you ever travel to Winnipeg.

And oh, one last point, "earth" as in the "earth's (sic) rectum," is spelled incorrectly. In the context you have used, the "e" in "earth" should be capitalized. The "Earth" is our planet ; whereas, "earth" is dirt. And that is what I think of your sense of humor when it comes at the expense of others.

Mark A. Carter - writer
Windsor, ON CANADA

Now you know.

from the imagination of Mark A. Carter - writer

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